This was always going to be a weird update. If you have followed my blog so far then this post may shock you or surprise you, or not... let's see.
Thing is I was not UNhappy. You can see that from my previous posts but things started to change and I didn't seem to be as happy as I should be. Turning 30 was amazing but it did make me think quite a lot about where I was and where I wanted to be. The ticking biological clock was getting so loud that almost my every thought was TICK-TOCK-TICK-TOCK. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that Mik and I had been together for almost 10 years at this point and it seemed naturally like the 'next step' in our relationship, plus I wanted a baby! But EVERYTHING seemed to be getting in the way. My passion for the next fitness challenge had somehow extended to Mik and while it was great to have a training partner, my challenges were running out, my passion for training was waning and I really, really wanted to enjoy my life more without worrying about the next meal plan, run, swim or bike ride, while Mik's love of triathlons was growing exponentially! In my head, the Phuket triathlon of November 2012 was my final big blow-out to push my body to its potential (at that time) and then, relax. Enjoy life. Start a family...
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| Feel the pain as I finished the Phuket triathlon |
It was not happening like that though. Mik and I were growing apart. With my frustrations unsolved part of me carried on regardless. The Go Eco Phuket event that I mentioned in my last post (September 2012) was a huge success and literally catapulted me into near-fame in Phuket! It was not meant to be like that but it was great to see real awareness raised of Phuket's Eco-issues, in particular marine debris around the very Island that I had come to love. This did add to the stress on my relationship with Mik though. I didn't feel it at this stage, but I know he did. I was stressed, I was busy and those niggling frustrations (see above) were still chewing me up. I really wanted his support, and although I may have been wrong, I didn't feel like I had it; not for anything I wanted to do anymore, except triathlons! My life was all triathlon training and then December 2012 arrived.
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| Go Eco Phuket September 2012 - there I am |
Mik's parents visited for Christmas. I was so looking forward to this; my first 'family Christmas' in more than a decade. Again, it didn't go quite as I imagined. On the one hand it was wonderful. I really like Mik's parents; they are caring, they are kind and they are creators of the perfect/ideal family (that my parents somehow didn't manage). The Jennings have been happily married forever! An inspiration! However, one conversation from their visit really stuck. 'Babies' were mentioned and very quickly brushed away as they gave support to the relationship Mik and I had at the time; no kids, 2 incomes and lots of time to enjoy ourselves doing whatever we wanted. But that was just the thing, I wasn't enjoying that anymore.
Meanwhile I was working A LOT at the dive centre. I was actually living FOR the dive centre most days. It made me happy but also, the sad fact that it was my life was making me sad. I loved the people there; the staff, the customers, everything... more than I loved being home. Throughout January Mik and I knew something was wrong and we talked about it, I took time out of the dive centre to try and fix it but it had gone too far.
At this time there was one thing, or rather one person who was making me happy. That person is Alex and here is the shocker... he is now my husband.
I fought it and fought it and fought it. There was no way that anybody was going to come between the almost 10-year relationship I had with Mik. No way. I told Mik about Alex. I told Mik what I thought was happening. But Mik seemed to hate Alex even before any of this. With hindsight maybe he could see what was happening and that made him so resentful. I'll never know but had Mik been stronger in giving his support (instead of as he was with Go Eco Phuket) my reaction may have been different. Instead, whether he was pushing me away or I was pulling away, I really only felt happy and stress-free when I was around Alex. I wanted to make Mik and I work but more and more there were signs that it was over.
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| The last Go Eco Phuket event I did - August 2013 |
The start of 2013 therefore was horrible. I got angry with Alex and told him to get lost on more than one occasion, saying I never wanted to see him again. I was saddened and disappointed by Mik because he didn't seem to want to 'pick up the pieces'. I know it is as much about me but I really needed showing the way at this point. I was in love with two men! One I had been with for all of my adult life, never wanted to hurt and felt generally so comfortable with, I could never imagine my life without him (or his family). The other seemingly loved me like I had never felt loved before, he loved and supported every strange thought or passion I held and literally made me feel like ME (where I had felt a bit lost before). In the end, from the sadness and torture, I had only one choice and that was to chase my own happiness.
Nothing against Mik, nothing at all. I still love him in many ways but not the way he wanted me to or the way he deserved. It still saddens me that we don't have that much contact now due to the awkwardness that has developed between us.
In the end I couldn't make him understand me anymore and in April 2013 I sadly packed my things and moved out, not really knowing where I was heading. If I had been looking for a sign at that time, it was the relief I felt as I unpacked my things into a small room in Chalong. Like I said, I was never UNhappy with Mik or my life in Phuket but the relief I felt on making a move towards giving that 'old life' up was reassuring at a time when I needed it.
I couldn't fight anymore. I didn't want to. Part of the relief came from accepting my own happiness and Alex was making me happy. At this time Alex was willing to do anything for me which while it was all very flattering, I could not let that happen. I did not want that. One of his anythings was that he would quit his corporate life to become a Diving Instructor in Phuket, while I carried on my much-loved life in Phuket. Now I had to be honest. It was not that I did not love Phuket anymore but I had been living in Phuket from the age of 21. I had literally grown up there. It is an amazing place to live but I could not get past the fact that I felt my life had expired there. I had done all I wanted but I could not see how I could progress there. Small progress could always be made but I was not living my life how I wanted and progress was too slow. I was missing being closer to my good friends and family in Europe. I was missing some amount of 'normal' life such as having weekends (not working 24/7), having important holidays off such as Christmas, Easter etc., enjoying long summer evenings... I was even missing being cold sometimes! I wanted a family but I wanted a family to be born out of happiness with more security than Phuket could ever give me or our family. Finally, it was time... "Alex, I don't think I want to be here anymore. I don't think you do really. What now?"
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| So many friends in Phuket! |
May 2013 I was flying to Germany. It was part of my 'conditions' if you like. I wasn't going to commit my life to being with Alex if away from Phuket we were different. Let's be honest, Phuket is a small Island with expats a-plenty but it is not real. I can't really explain that to people who have not experienced it but you are thrown together with people that normally you would not meet, or have anything to do with. This is no bad thing actually! The long-term expat population is kind of slim in the 20-40 age range which means I was in the minority there anyway. You have the sea, the sun, constant dinners, drinks and friends around you. Honestly, it is paradise... but what happens outside of that? What happens when the sh*t hits the fan? Alex is German, I am English - what happens when we see each-other in our own cultures, surroundings and friend networks? Things could go horribly wrong! I was scared!
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| Many thanks to my boss for helping me with life in Munich |
I should not have feared. In Germany my boss offered to let me give up my Dive Centre Manager job in Phuket to take up my new post in the Head Office in Munich. Alex already had an apartment in Munich... so I had no excuses! My dream of moving back to Europe could not have been easier, it had been handed to me on a plate.
With so much to catch up on, I am going to miss out some beautiful details here but I have to say that the last year has gone perfectly. From strength to strength I am making progress and I am still totally happy with Alex (even in his culture and with his friends). Ha! Actually I am doing really well. So many things slotted in to place, it is almost freakishly perfect.
I really want to blog my wedding day because it was amazing so until next time let me bring you up to date with the last 12 months in brief!
June 7th (early hours of 8th) 2013 - Alex proposed and I said YES
Alex then agreed to take a short-term 3 month job contract in South Africa which made sense as I would need this time to wrap up my life in Phuket properly.
July 2013 - I visited Cape Town for a week and we stayed at Mont Rochelle Vineyard for Alex's birthday. It here I had a moment of "I could get married here". Cape of Good Hope was also done at this time. Absolutely beautiful!
August 2013 - I visited Dubai for a week as Alex had been transferred there for his work. Amazing trip involving diving, going up the Burj Khalifa, and lots of food!!
September 2013 - Alex along with my friends Lindsay and Patrick met me in Singapore for the Formula One Race. We then traveled back to Phuket to pack the rest of my things and...
30th September 2013 - I left Phuket and bound my flight to Munich for my new life!
October 2013 - I visited UK to explain the 'new life' to my family and friends there. Also celebrated my Dad's birthday with him for the first time in years! I returned to Cape Town to finally choose Franschhoek as the location of our wedding.
November 2013 - I started full time back at work for Sub Aqua Dive Center (Head Office Munich)
December 2013 - Christmas time and I spent Christmas in the UK for the first time in 11 years! Also made a quick trip to Cape Town to confirm La Petite Dauphine as the venue for our wedding.
January-February 2014 - Stressful time with German language courses, wedding planning etc.
15th March 2014 - I married Alexander Christoph Kiel at La Petite Dauphine, Franschhoek, South Africa in bright sunshine with family and friends that could make it. Gorgeous day and here is just one picture to share until next time...
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| 15th March 2014 - I became a MRS |
